My Strength
by SangoKaiba
Summary: One shot. Rainy days are good for making Hakkai remember. Good thing Gojyos there for him. Mild yaoi


I dont own, otherwise, the charecters would be nude 100 of the time

My Strength

I don't know when I started feeling this way. Was it when Kanan died? Was it when I became a demon? I feel as if I'm always struggling to keep my sanity in check. As if my limiters are going to fly off any second and release the evil in me.

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light

I sigh and look out the window. Welcome rain, I think sarcastically. I always feel…. Afraid when it rains. Like my world is going to come crashing down. Again. It was raining when I killed them. When she killed herself. When the only person I ever loved disappeared from my life. Gojyo found me soon after, kneeling in the rain, my face turned upwards and waiting to bleed to death from my self-inflicted wound in my stomach. I look over at the half demon that has helped me through so many things. Yet, he has never asked for anything in return. But that doesn't change my life being miserable.

A silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right.

I close my eyes, remembering him, picking me up gently in his arms and carrying me. Him nursing me back to health. To Gojyo alone I owe my life. He understands more about me than me myself. He knows what I'm thinking now, as I stare at the rain. I snap out of my daze as he starts to walk over. I smile my usual fake smile. He doesn't buy it.

"You alright?" he asks, his voice concerned.

No, I'm not alright. I'll never be alright

"Always" I say, grinning.

"Your full of crap, as always." Gojyo laughs.

Sanzo snorts across the room, staring at the cigarette smoke billowing from his mouth.

Smoke also billows out of Gojyo's mouth. I tell him everytime he smokes how bad it is, but he always just laughs and says he'll quit later.

When Sanzo stops smoking. Translation: When pigs fly.

I grab the cigarette out of Gojyo's mouth and take an experienced drag.

Gojyo stares at me, shocked.

"When did you start smoking?" he asks.

"Now." I reply.

"Hey." He says, putting his hand on mine. "It'll be fine. She'll fade away."

"What if I don't want her to?" I whisper, closing my eyes.

"She would want it. I'm sure Kanan wouldn't want you to hurt so."

"How do you know what she wants?" I bark, standing.

Everyone stares at me, shocked.

The silence is broken by Sanzo snorting.

I put on my fake smile again and sit down "I'm sorry, I was out of line."

"Hakkai….." Gojyo said, hesitantly. "The rain will stop."

I know he wasn't talking about the rain outside.

I feel tears coming to my eyes.

Gojyo notices and blanches. "Hey, come on. That's not Hakkai."

"I….. I can't keep this mask on anymore." I notice Sanzo is staring at me.

I continue. "I hate life. I can't deal with this anymore."

I feel a hand slap me hard. Sanzo has suddenly appeared in front of me.

"So your giving up! Wait till the damn quest is over, then kill yourself. And take that monkey with you while your at it." He jabs a thumb at Goku and sits back across the room. I rub my cheek.

"If, you want a translation, that means, don't give up, I'm rootin' for you." Gojyo laughs, as Goku starts to complain about hunger and Sanzo's comment.

Hakkai and Gojyo flinch as a gunshot is heard and a bit of ceiling comes down.

After a while, we all go to bed. I make sure every one is asleep and sneak out. I walk outside into the rain, looking up at the source. "I love you, my Kanan."

I say. I sit in the grass and let tears come. I scream out her name, thinking I couldn't be heard over the rain. I grab the knife out of my pocket and stare at it.

"I'm coming."

I drag it across a wrist and am about to do the same to the other when a hear a voice behind me.

"Memory lane." Gojyo says. He scoops me up and starts carrying me back to the hotel.

"Leave me!" I snap.

"No. Stop being a child." He says tenderly.

He returns me back to my bed and wraps my wrist with his bandana.

"The rain will stop Hakkai. The sun will come out." He kisses me on my forehead and goes back to bed.

But I know I must go on

Although I hurt I must be strong

Because inside I know

That many feel this way


End file.
